Lethal - Poison Seed [1996]

If there was one band that I surely thought would never turn into a groove abomination, it would have been progressive US power metal band Lethal. Programmed wasn't a first class album of the genre, but it was an enjoyable experience and a worthwhile addition nonetheless. I can only guess as to what happened between 1990 and 1996, but let me take a shot: the US power metal genre was pretty much dead, so no record company probably wanted to take chances there. The band must have then briefly turned to thrash, only to realize that genre was waning, too. The only logical move left to make was turning into another groove outfit typical in this time of musical downturn. In other words, by 1996, Lethal barely resembled the band playing six years before. All that would have been okay if Poison Seed was good. It's not.

If one thing has stayed just about same compared to Programmed, it's Tom Mallicoat's vocal performance, though even it has suffered in some ways. What once used to be a top notch Geoff Tate clone (which, yes, is a compliment) has turned to a rather weak, lower-pitched approah. It's not really that bad; I mean, at least he's not doing Anselmo impressions. Where the album really fails is in its putrid songwriting. I'm honestly not sure whether the groove oriented or the actual "progressive" tracks are worse, thanks to the band apparently forgetting how to write anything even somewhat memorable. Yes, there are songs that contain few to no groove influences, but they're no better than the songs that do. The most appalling of these is definitely the title track, a bewildering understated track with nothing melodic about it. Then you have the directionless "Walking Wounded" and "Bitter Taste," a painful song that delivers upon its title.

The guitar tone is pretty heavy, but in that tired 90's way that doesn't really benefit the music. It also doesn't help that there are zero decent riffs on this thing. A lot of the tracks are either quiet and weird or groovy and annoying; there's pretty much no in between, though I at least detect some catchiness in opener "Down" even though it's obtained through impure means. Otherwise, this is simply 48 minutes of poisonous pain. Seekers of some musical salvation from 1990's, I must advise you stay away. You're not going to find the end of your journey here.

   Overall: 3/10 (Bad - no direction)

Symfonia - In Paradisum [2011]

Well, first things first, the cover is one of the "happiest" (ahem) things I've ever seen in my life. I know that has no predetermined bearing on the music enclosed, but I thought it was worth mentioning, since it really does give one an accurate prediction of how this one plays out. This is some of the cheesiest, most repetitive, least imaginitive power metal I've ever heard compiled on a single compact disc. It's albums like this that cause terms such as "flower metal" to live on. Don't be fooled by the band name; this is Stratovarius, and these songs are the ones that couldn't even make it on their worst albums. In Paradisum is basically Infine pt. 2, except even worse this time around. All the same riffs, choruses, rhythms, and vocal patterns that polluted Stratovarius's weakest material are present here. There's not a shred of originality to be seen.

In Paradisum is an album that suffers from a little disorder I like to call "Two Minute Skip Syndrome;" after two minutes of each song, you're guarunteed to have heard all it will have to offer and you might as well just skip the rest of it. After all, why waste precious moments to hear the same poppy, upbeat chorus repeated ad nauseum? At least with ten identical songs at two minutes a piece, you're only wasting twenty minutes of your life and not the sadistic fifty included. This is the verse/chorus/verse/chorus/repeat chorus formula crammed down our throats repeatedly. It isn't heavy enough to be a headbanging good time, and it doesn't contain enough balladic beauty to be interesting, either. In Paradisum is the act of aging musicians stuck in the past, never finding the inspiration to do anything beyond the same release time and time again. Now that the carbon copies are elevating into double digit territory, I don't know whether to feel anger or pity.

Biggest embarrassments include the obligatory "epic" title track and "I Walk in Neon," a cheap replica of "Hunting High and Low." You'd figure Timo and his group of savages would want to stop wasting their lives doing this; you sorta only get one, you know. I actually like the helium-fueled chords of former Angra vocalist Andre Matos, so hearing him dying here is only more depressing; and he's still hitting the notes, too, making cliched straight-shooters like "Rhapsody in Black" actually sound somewhat decent. But one man can't save a band, and if there's ever been evidence of that fact, it's right here with Symfonia. This is a hollow shell of a band with no soul beneath its cotton candy exterior. No heart is beating under it's mechanized, emotionless skin, composed only of faulty spare parts that wouldn't fit its previous equally inferior models. Obvious metaphors aside, it just really fucking sucks.

   Overall: 3.5/10 (Bad)

Lord Bane - Age of Elegance [1994]

Lord Bane's Age of Elegance is one of those cult prog "classics" that doesn't deserve its warm recognition in any way. All the elements are there: an extremely small press run so that it won't get heard by enough people to exploit it for the garbage it really is, an endearing musical direction people will find themselves attached to for no real reason, and a vocalist that, at times, manages to channel the greatness of Midnight. However, this is not Crimson Glory; let me make that painfully clear. Lord Bane lacks almost everything that made Crimson Glory such a great progressive power metal band. First of all, the power. Age of Elegance is plagued by slow, prodding songs that lack any projection or heaviness. In fact, most of them barely even reach mid-pace, the worst offender being the ridiculously overlong "If Broken Hearts Could Kill (You'd Be Dead)." It's not the only one, either; even the decent songs often stretch to seven minutes or longer, and the music here just isn't suited for that. In simpler terms, the main problem with this album is that it's just boring. The absolutely terrible muffled production job certainly doesn't do it any favors, either.

If you're not familiar with the aforementioned Midnight, then you are one sorry individual and you are in dire need of Crimson Glory's first two releases. His legendary vocals were characterized by a thick thespian accent and mesmerizing, glass-breaking highs. Lord Bane's Shawn Ames is almost capable of at least imitating him, but aside from "Queen Ann", he never really does. He just stays in his aggravating comfort zone for most of the album, which is mid-range with a scratchy, thespian-gone-wrong tone in his voice. The talent is there, but he puts forth no effort whatsoever. He goes hand-in-hand with the band itself, because they do the same thing. The music is so limited and restrained, taking a slow walk on a road that always leads to nowhere. There are approximately two real "power metal" songs here, and guess what? Those are probably a couple of the worst tracks on the album. "Like the Lion" is completely average in every way, with a chorus that is so boring and uninspired it's almost a shame calling it one. "Promise of Prophecy" is terrible, however, with an apparently inept sense of melody that prevents one from ever remembering anything from it. This has to be the least memorable song I recall hearing, as even now I couldn't tell you a thing about it.

There aren't many actual tracks here (which is probably a blessing), making it kind of inappropriate calling so many of them "one of the worst", but that's how I'd have to describe them. The first and last are pretentious short pieces, trying to put off some grand epic atmosphere that ends up a joke (further worsened by the transparent title choice of Age of Elegance). The seven tracks crammed between them range from awful to relatively decent, and I've already named off the worst so let's focus on the few bright spots. True opener "Fawns" is okay, even if it is hampered by the horrible production job and nonsensical, artsy lyrics. I must admit that the slow verse has some charm and the vocals are pretty good. A couple of bad songs later, we hit "Moriah", one of those extremely sslllloooooowwww songs (if you see my point), except I actually like this one. I think it's aided by the dark atmosphere and the looming, if simple, chorus. Finally, there's the album's highlight, "Queen Ann", a good, hell, maybe even great song. Good vocals, a sense of coherency, and finally some actually decent songwriting grace this single flash of potential, the way the whole album should have worked out. Sadly, it didn't. Don't waste your time or money with this. Just stick with Crimson Glory.

   Overall: 3.5/10 (Bad)