Lacuna Coil - Dark Adrenaline [2012]

You know, people really do amaze me. They amaze me in a variety of ways, in fact, especially in their acceptance of the absolute bare minimum. I've got a little story to tell; gather 'round the campfire children.

_________________

At the musical methadone clinic, sometime in January, 2012:

Mindless Consumer: "Total crap? Same thing as the product I bought last year? Zero effort or originality involved?! Hell yeah, sign me up!"

Head Record Company Executive: "All right, sir dumbass, just initial here and we'll give you your repackaged poison. No catch! Oh, but you will be giving up your hard-earned money, feeding a brain-sucking, industry-killing leech, and authorizing full utilization of your soul in the unseemly ways we see fit. Do we have a deal?"

Mindless Consumer: "Why wouldn't we? I might be legally deaf, but I would never be one to use discretion and actually give a shit about what I listen to. The stricter the structure of the song, the better. The poppier the chorus, the better. The more phoned in the song... well, you get the point. Just give me my fix, ma'an."

Head Record Company Executive: "Here you go, fresh from the lab: twelve carefully crafted pills of hollow, green-tinted, nonmetal glucose. Granted, they're all the same flavor, and once you've experienced one of them, you've had them all, but we'll generously give you twelve just to make you feel special. Once you're hooked and you're on your sugar rush, be sure to purchase your Lacunacoilium (TM) t-shirts, posters, dolls--ahem, action figures--and laptop/phone skins at the Century Media website. Act now and you'll get exactly what you would if wait for a couple weeks!"

Mindless Consumer: "But Satan, I'm a hardcore deviant sadist; what if twelve aren't enough to fulfill my degenerate fantasies?"

Head Record Company Executive: "Not to worry, dear playtoy! Buy the album at iTunes ('cause, I mean, why support one soulless corporation when you can support two?) and you'll get six bonus tracks and even a video. Losing all character and self-esteem has never come at such a low price! Or, if you're really hankerin' for a spankerin', try the box set edition on for size. It'll serve as a convenient carrying case for your over-produced, overly congruous capsules. Each one comes with a coupon for a free lobotomy, though I can see that you're already, um, well accounted for. Give it to a friend and make sure he uses it before sampling the product. Remember: everybody's doing it, so it must be okay."

Mindless Consumer: "That satisfies me... but wait, why does it explicitly say 'metal' here in the table of contents? 'Dark'? Ick. Scary words dissuade my mindless consumption."

Head Record Company Executive: "We at CM absolutely assure you that the metal factor at work here is only a facade, as is the entire dark image of the Lacunacoilium (TM) property. We have a teen audience, too; we think it's only fair that we give them their drug in a form that's easier for them to swallow. You know, one where they think they're a part of something real, something that'll make them feel cool. There's no need to feel liable to any surprises whatsoever. What you got last time is what you'll get this time, guaranteed: powerless female vocal syrup (because we're using her as a hip gimmick), an illusion of chemical heaviness in the nonexistent riffing section, tracks of nearly identical length, and a spiffy production so crystal clear, you'll swear it'll pop into the room with you. Uniformity has never been this accessibly pervasive!"

Mindless Consumer: "Okay, okay, I think everything's in order. Give me every bottle you got."

...And they all lived happily ever after until the new Kornium (TM) came out.

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If my not-so-subtle rant just alluded you, then you're about to have a new favorite album. I never thought I'd sink low enough to write one of these juvenile 'false conversation' pieces, but Dark Adrenaline took my tolerance to a new level. I'm sorry, but when people (bless their imbecilic hearts) call uninspired dreck like this "incredible," "amazing," and most offensive of all, "heavy," it tends to get to me. It's shit soda pop. People will no doubt take issue with this write-up, and I even doubt it'll be accepted. Where's the musical description, some will say; what an arrogant, pompous ass, others will exclaim. To these comments I'll have only one response: 

I'll write a real review once Lacuna Coil actually puts out a new album.

C'est la vie.

   Overall: 1/10 (Coaster)

Queensrÿche - Dedicated to Chaos [2011]

Okay, so we all know the 'Ryche stopped playing music at least fifteen years ago. They suck so bad now that even the most die hard fans come prepared for a shitacular flow of raw sewage each decrepit day these braindead "musicians" decide to disease society further with a new release. But quite frankly, this is just getting ridiculous now. Dedicated to Chaos takes modern rock to a new level of worthlessness, a new nadir of utmost stupidity and apathy. Queensryche's got everything you need right here: groove boogie tracks, psychodelic tunes, quiet understated songs, and pop cockrock anthems. If that sounds appealing to you, then oh boy, do you have a hefty bounty of S&M pleasure comin' your way! What could be worse than a new Queensryche album? A really freaking long Queensryche album. Sixteen tracks and 70 minutes await you here. Who needs waterboarding? The US will be unstoppable with this in our grasp!

I'm not sure how to describe this since I'm used to reviewing music. Warning: Contents may be fatal. Imagine a mix of worthless Green Day impersonations, a rap-rock feel, U2/Coldplay elements, spacey hippie rock (the most common substance), and lyrics that encompass highly substantial issues like using a fucking cell phone. I'm serious. Look no further than "Hot Spot Junkie" for thought-provoking prose like "I'm addicted to the wifi way, I'm addicted to the wifi way" and "Retail Therapy," a song filled through and through with inspirational lines including, but not limited to, this entire verse:

"Tryin' to find a bargain on a new cell phone
Gotta talk to somethin'
Can't stand the feelin' of bein' alone too long
Without feelin' like I'm gonna come unglued
I text and I text my every thought
But I'm gettin' nothing back
I've got sixty-two apps to keep me happy"

At least those aps can replace all the fans he undoubtedly lost with this piece of crap. Wait a minute, "gotta talk to somethin'?" So wait, he has no one to communicate with so he has to talk to the phone instead? Pfft. Whatever. Back to what's important. The album is essentally comprised of three acts. It starts off as pop rock, suddenly shifts to a calm setting, and then reprises its modern pop rock origins. Needless to say, all three are equally deprived of value. Geoff Tate has the last speck of talent remaining in this band, but he's wasting his time here. His vocals come effortlessly, and they obviously hold some charm and likability, but that doesn't really matter since everything else barely resembles the Queensryche we all used to know and love. He doesn't try very hard either, but they could still put something of value around his distinctive sound. Now we just get stuff like "Wot We Do," which is, get ready for this one, a rap song. Don't believe me? Okay, just listen to it. You'll see.

When it comes to being the worst of 2011, Illud Divinum Insanus might have been a complete failure, but at least it was an interesting one. Dedicated to Chaos doesn't even manage to do that. Queensryche should now hold the distinction for somehow making a sixteen song album in which not a single track is good. Or decent. Or even passably mediocre. This has all the creative quality of a thirteen-year old's garage mallcore band, except that it sounds like mainstream garbage. Heres what really pisses on my hushpuppies: If Queensryche just admitted their complete departure from the realm of metal, we could go our separate ways and I would never have to mention or think about them ever again; but no, they're in some strange denial that this is still metallically relevant. Geoff and the boys somehow compare Dedicated to Chaos to Rage for Order and Empire. It's twenty years too late, guys, just let it go. I'll end this review with a passionate plea: please, for the love of god, please stop playing music, Queensryche. Let us enjoy what you used to do without tarnishing it further.

   Overall: 1/10 (Abysmal - just die already)

Morbid Angel - Illud Divinum Insanus [2011]

Okay, so everyone already knows the "hype" surrounding Morbid Angel's first album since Heretic, which was released way back in 2003. Titles such as "worst album ever," "pathetic crap pile," and "electonic abomination" have been flung at it faster than any other release in recent memory. But hey, maybe that's just the fanboys, right? Maybe that's just all the anticipation and expectation talking. Well, I decided to conduct a little experiment. I, a completely unbiased spectator of Morbid Angel, neither fan nor foe, and not a listener of any of their previous efforts, tried my hand at reviewing Illud Divinum Insanus; and I can confirm, undoubtedly, that it sucks. Absolutely, intolerably sucks in just about every way imaginable.

That's right: even judged purely on its own merits, it's that bad. It's almost like an intricately woven tapestry of suckage whose purpose is only to make us cringe at every putrid, cringe-inducing note. Its (few) highs are entirely mediocre and its (many) lows are offensive enough to affront all cultures that treasure any kind of quality. I apologize for the broad generalities, but I just can't get over how any band, big or not, could possibly think this was an acceptable final product. This music, if it can be called such, is free from any purpose or emotion apart than apathy. I can think of no other word to better describe the sentiment this album overtly reeks from.

The songs? Well, first we get the already infamous "Too Extreme!" I can pretty much assume the titles and lyrics of Illud Divinum Insanus were a sick joke, but this is one of three notable offenders. Most bands strive to impress and grab your attention with their openers, but I can only venture to guess that Morbid Angel instead opts to lower the bar to a point where further regression would be impossible. After a pointless intro, listeners are assaulted with bad industrial grooves and uninspired vocal lines. The lifeless mechanical drumming and soft, modern guitar tone take the song from awkward to downright embarrassing. Just imagine a hybrid of Rob Zombie and Static X, with Steel Panther's lyrics just to spice the toxic entre up another abysmal notch, and that's what you get. Unfortunately, that's not as funny as it sounds. The arguably even worse "Radikult" and "Destructos vs. the Earth" are practically identical.

It seems that some confusion has risen in thinking that every song plays out in this way, a belief that's fortunately false. Don't assume, however, that the other tracks are automatically so much better. The rest (barring the awful, obscure closer "Profundis-Mea Cupla") are by-the-numbers, all frills, no surprises death metal of the most mundaine sort. Sure, technically unbroken songs like "Blades for Baal," "Nevermore," and "10 More Dead" may sound passable upon first contact, but it doesn't take long for them to reveal themselves as the tired, derivitive efforts they are. At least the vocals and the admittedly decent production values strive for something more on these pieces. Everything else happens as you would expect.

The ultimate lowlights: the hilarious and no doubt unintentional similarity to "Smooth Criminal" in the underlying main riff of "Existo Vulgoré," the techno "kill a cop, kill a cop, cop" phrasing of "Radikult," and the ironic soccer stadium chant to introduce "I Am Morbid." Illud Divinum Insanus is one of those albums when the lowest points provide the most entertainment value from sheer comic relief. There's nothing at all entertaining about the rest. Finally, for those non-fans and wary-to-participate folks, I can only tell you this: Morbid Angel's latest is as bad as people say it is. Don't listen to it to fulfill your curiosity, don't listen to it for a laugh, and above all,  just don't listen to it. And now, back to X Japan!

   Overall: 2/10 (Abysmal)

Stratovarius - Fourth Dimension [1995]

Dreamspace was a rare great moment in the Stratovarius catalogue. It was heavy, dark, and creative through and through, not afraid to take risks and not embarrassed to reap their rewards. Naturally, such an album is difficult to live up to, and it was. Very difficult, apparently, since the band wouldn't release anything close to that caliber for nine years. The band's next effort, Fourth Dimension, finally brought Stratovarius into the European power metal realm, a region fraught with over-population and shameless song-stealers. After listening to Dreamspace and then Fourth Dimension, it's hard to believe this is even the same band, because this album is one of the most boring and derivitive recordings I've ever experienced.

First of all, the biggest detractor is the production. In a word, it's terrible. It sucks out all the crunch of the guitars and instead makes them sound like musical pillows, strumming away softly and forcelessly; it sucks out the bass and drums and leaves them by the wayside, forcing you to search aimlessly for some lower end stuff to carry the highs; it sucks out any enjoyment one might find during choruses when all you can are the awful, muffled background chants that accompany them; but most importantly, it just sucks. The entire album is shrouded in this cold-sounding veil that it just never emerges from. Gone is the interesting dark environment of Dreamspace. Here is the cold, emotionless stream of robotic mediocrity.

I hope you like boring, melodic, powerless songs that you've heard a thousand times before by a thousand different bands, 'cause that's what you're going to get! Seriously, this is completely uninspired. The fact that people call this stuff great and later albums like Infinite weak doesn't make much sense to me, because the music, singing, and songwriting are all about the same. At least those later albums have decent production and throw in a different idea every once in a while. Fourth Dimension settles for the bare minimum 100 percent of the time, reusing riffs, choruses, and solos at will. "Hey, guys, it's been, like, two albums since we've used this rhythm. Nobody will notice! Oh wait, we can't favor one over another...Let's just copy this entire song!"

What kills a number of the decent songs are the fact that we've heard better versions of them before. The worst offenders are Against the Wind, with its Helloween carbon copy chorus, Winter, with its Dream Theater worshipping buildup, and the absolutely atrocious 030366, which is a near exact rip-off of Queensryche's Screaming In Digital. Heard enough? No? Okay! Let's go back to Against the Wind. That rhythm during the chorus? It's exactly the same as part of the instrumental Goodbye off of Fright Night. Another fun coincidence? Both of those albums suck.

I can't even comprehend this album's positive reception on any level.  There's hardly a single redeeming factor here that would lead me to listening to this again. After hearing so many better albums in the same style with better production and songwriting (you know, ones that don't use the same song structure every song), it's impossible to appreciate whatever it is that we have here. I still have doubts when I manage to enjoy a song (like the only good ones, Distant Skies and Nightfall), because I can't help but wonder if I can only enjoy it because I haven't heard the song it's ripping off yet.

And, no, the vocalist change doesn't help much; if anything, Kotipelto only emphasizes the abysmal changes that have taken place here. I actually like him, but I don't think anything could save this release. I hate this, but if you're into this kind of stuff, you'll probably like it, because everyone else seems to. I guess I'm just weird. Please give Elements Pt. 1 a chance! Seriously, at least that's varied and has progressive tendencies. This is a seminar of cliched pain that just wears its listener down with overlong, boring songs that keep getting longer until the very end; and believe me, the end can't come soon enough. It makes me feel dirty just writing about such a repulsive entity. Trust me, just walk slowly away from Fourth Dimension. Having three is enough, anyway.

   Overall: 2.5/10 (Abysmal - "NO NO Make it stop!")

Stratovarius - Stratovarius [2005]

Wow. Just wow. Remember that thing I said before, "you can never trust Stratovarius"? Well, this album is the best reason for that exact fact. It would be exactly like Stratovarius to follow up their first string of back-to-back good albums with their worst; no, not only their worst, that really wouldn't do it justice. This is more specifically one of the worst albums I've ever heard. The fact that the awful Fourth Dimension wasn't this band's worst album is shocking enough; that comes second to the actual experience of their self-titled release. This is pain in its purest form, its simplest definition; I mean, it's almost an accomplishment to manage to make something this unsatisfying and horrible. If this was some sick, cruel joke played by Timo Tolkki in his obviously screwed up state, then congratulations, you cruel bastard! Mission frickin' accomplished.

I guess this is some attempt at sounding dark or serious or something like that, but it fails horribly. It's a dark experience, all right, but not in the way that they surely intended. The abysmal modern production and attitude cast a black pall on this thing that it never manages to escape. The most comparable things I can even think of are the embarrassing pop-metal albums Ozzy keeps making now. Yes, that's exactly it: this is some shelved Ozzy album with Kotipelto's vocals that the record company bought and released with the Stratovarius name on it! It really sounds nothing like Stratovarius at all besides the only decent track, Gypsy, which still only barely succeeds thanks to its desperate use of previously utilized ideas.

You might think, "well, at least it will have good production, right?" Wrong, as you would be if you thought anything about this album is going to be good. It's noisy, loud and bloated, yet again bringing the word "modern" to mind, as well as Death Magnetic. When all instruments play together, the sound has a tendency of cutting out. Obviously, this isn't acceptable and it just adds a bit more darkness to the dreary, black cloud mood, which is filled with too much angst and too little quality. The bass in particular is unbearable and makes everything sound fuzzier; I'm almost certain I can hear Kotipelto try to strain his voice during these parts, too. That's another thing entirely; this is Kotipelto's least inspired vocal performance ever. He just sounds bad half the time, worst being his tone-deaf delivery during the grating chorus of Fight!!!

That reminds me, I haven't even really gotten to the songs yet. Opener Maniac Dance is about as good as it's title suggests. Starting off with a worthless poppy dance rhythm, the song then erupts into... Well, that same worthless poppy dance rhythm. The chorus sounds like something Pink would have done, and by this point, I'm already praying for the end. I declare this the worst song I've ever heard, a true abomination that deserves to be eradicated on sight. Now, then, moving on, we've got another wonderful Stratoballad, a song which is a type of song so overdone and reused that I've given its own word! However, at least previous Stratoballads had some enjoyable quality or catchy part; The Land of Ice and Snow is a pathetic homeland anthem that would be more suitable as a football team's fight song. "In the land where packers roam!" Now that I can see.

Oh, boy, we get to hear a few more epics on this one! As if we needed more proof that the actually decent long tracks on Elements Pt. 1 were just flukes, we get a whole bag of losers in this one. The worst comes first. Back to Madness is a terrible amalgam of bad ideas that wears on endlessly. When the opera singer comes in about midway, I seriously began to wonder where the hidden camera must be. Someone hates me and this is their ultimate revenge. Zenith of Power is seriously bad, and near the end it starts repeating the chorus over and over again. By this point, I'm considering ramming my head into a spike to avoid living in a world where attrocities such as this are deemed acceptable. United is basically the same song and it has the same effect on me. This will make athiests pray for salvation.

As far as tragedies go, Stratovarius's self-titled album is perhaps second only to the holocaust, and it's pushing for first. The fact that a group of musicians would put forth their efforts, come away with this, and then let it reach consumers is scary. The album itself is scarier. What makes this anomalously awful release even more difficult to comprehend is the place it has in their discography. It actually falls right in between two of the better albums made by the band, so surely it can't be this terrible. Unbelievably, it is. Somehow Stratovarius managed to move on (sans Tolkki) and release a really good album after this, and I can't see how that was possible after hearing this travesty. It must have been like moving on after a family member's death. Stay far, far away from this. Some people will tell you this isn't that bad. They're lying. It's not even for hardcore Strato fans; I won't joke like that. This is a nightmare.

   Overall: 0.5/10 (Abysmal - a new low for humanity)