Stratovarius - Stratovarius [2005]

Wow. Just wow. Remember that thing I said before, "you can never trust Stratovarius"? Well, this album is the best reason for that exact fact. It would be exactly like Stratovarius to follow up their first string of back-to-back good albums with their worst; no, not only their worst, that really wouldn't do it justice. This is more specifically one of the worst albums I've ever heard. The fact that the awful Fourth Dimension wasn't this band's worst album is shocking enough; that comes second to the actual experience of their self-titled release. This is pain in its purest form, its simplest definition; I mean, it's almost an accomplishment to manage to make something this unsatisfying and horrible. If this was some sick, cruel joke played by Timo Tolkki in his obviously screwed up state, then congratulations, you cruel bastard! Mission frickin' accomplished.

I guess this is some attempt at sounding dark or serious or something like that, but it fails horribly. It's a dark experience, all right, but not in the way that they surely intended. The abysmal modern production and attitude cast a black pall on this thing that it never manages to escape. The most comparable things I can even think of are the embarrassing pop-metal albums Ozzy keeps making now. Yes, that's exactly it: this is some shelved Ozzy album with Kotipelto's vocals that the record company bought and released with the Stratovarius name on it! It really sounds nothing like Stratovarius at all besides the only decent track, Gypsy, which still only barely succeeds thanks to its desperate use of previously utilized ideas.

You might think, "well, at least it will have good production, right?" Wrong, as you would be if you thought anything about this album is going to be good. It's noisy, loud and bloated, yet again bringing the word "modern" to mind, as well as Death Magnetic. When all instruments play together, the sound has a tendency of cutting out. Obviously, this isn't acceptable and it just adds a bit more darkness to the dreary, black cloud mood, which is filled with too much angst and too little quality. The bass in particular is unbearable and makes everything sound fuzzier; I'm almost certain I can hear Kotipelto try to strain his voice during these parts, too. That's another thing entirely; this is Kotipelto's least inspired vocal performance ever. He just sounds bad half the time, worst being his tone-deaf delivery during the grating chorus of Fight!!!

That reminds me, I haven't even really gotten to the songs yet. Opener Maniac Dance is about as good as it's title suggests. Starting off with a worthless poppy dance rhythm, the song then erupts into... Well, that same worthless poppy dance rhythm. The chorus sounds like something Pink would have done, and by this point, I'm already praying for the end. I declare this the worst song I've ever heard, a true abomination that deserves to be eradicated on sight. Now, then, moving on, we've got another wonderful Stratoballad, a song which is a type of song so overdone and reused that I've given its own word! However, at least previous Stratoballads had some enjoyable quality or catchy part; The Land of Ice and Snow is a pathetic homeland anthem that would be more suitable as a football team's fight song. "In the land where packers roam!" Now that I can see.

Oh, boy, we get to hear a few more epics on this one! As if we needed more proof that the actually decent long tracks on Elements Pt. 1 were just flukes, we get a whole bag of losers in this one. The worst comes first. Back to Madness is a terrible amalgam of bad ideas that wears on endlessly. When the opera singer comes in about midway, I seriously began to wonder where the hidden camera must be. Someone hates me and this is their ultimate revenge. Zenith of Power is seriously bad, and near the end it starts repeating the chorus over and over again. By this point, I'm considering ramming my head into a spike to avoid living in a world where attrocities such as this are deemed acceptable. United is basically the same song and it has the same effect on me. This will make athiests pray for salvation.

As far as tragedies go, Stratovarius's self-titled album is perhaps second only to the holocaust, and it's pushing for first. The fact that a group of musicians would put forth their efforts, come away with this, and then let it reach consumers is scary. The album itself is scarier. What makes this anomalously awful release even more difficult to comprehend is the place it has in their discography. It actually falls right in between two of the better albums made by the band, so surely it can't be this terrible. Unbelievably, it is. Somehow Stratovarius managed to move on (sans Tolkki) and release a really good album after this, and I can't see how that was possible after hearing this travesty. It must have been like moving on after a family member's death. Stay far, far away from this. Some people will tell you this isn't that bad. They're lying. It's not even for hardcore Strato fans; I won't joke like that. This is a nightmare.

   Overall: 0.5/10 (Abysmal - a new low for humanity)