Recommended on the basis that it sounds like German power/speed metal bands such as Helloween, this band seemed to have some good potential. I mean, their name is a combination of two of the most metal words in the entire English: wait, you mean a STORM and a WITCH? Like, together? Hell yeah. Metal claw all the way. Then we arrive at the cover art; okay, sure, it's cheesy as hell, but then again, Fates Warning and Liege Lord dwelt in mildewy subjects and they both kicked ass. However, what wasn't revealed by the band name should have gotten through to me in the album title. Beauty and the Beast? Seriously? I know this was a few years before the movie came out, but come on. Imagination, guys. Use it.
Unfortunately, mentally defunct decisions like that also translate directly into Stormwitch's music. This is obviously the work of a band starved for commercial success. The choruses are simple and repetitive, with enough of those overloud, layered gang shouts to make even Leatherwolf sound about as melodic as Hellhammer (the production as a whole has the keyboards and vocals way too loud in the mix). The riffs--none of which are good--are light and pompous. And the keyboards...oh boy, the keyboards. Let's just say they should provide a nice wet dream for avid Duran Duran fans. Oh, and it's all delivered by one of the wimpiest, most pathetic sounding vocalists I've ever heard. Imagine a drunken Michael Kiske that's been run over a couple times pitifully belting out of key high notes. Yeah, it ain't pretty, and neither are the laughable lyrics. A sample:
"He's longing, longing to stray
Leaving back all the yesterday's clay
Right down where the streets have no names
The winds were never tamed"
Random cliches systematically formulated running rampant at a rapid rate. This is a bigger trainwreck than that sentence. My, oh, my, I haven't even covered the songs yet. Most are just generic, inoffensive 'rockers' that sputter out like opener "Call of the Wicked," so I'm just going to cover the centerpiece that should receive the most damning of your malice. The title track is, in the most basic terms, a murderous behemoth of suffocating hair product fumes. The eardrum-assaulting keyboard intro is just a taste of the musical spoilt milk to come, complete with a soullessly derivative refrain that exclaims (proudly, I might add) 'hot nights' with all sincerity. What scares me is that no one stepped in at this point and said, "hey, wait a minute, music is supposed to be enjoyable." I mean, why not go all the way and start a Bon Jovi cover band. The horrendous female vocals sound like something you'd hear on a cheap 80's exercise video. And to think, I didn't even discuss the ballad...
This almost hurts. I don't take solace in trashing the lesser-known albums of metal's past; quite the opposite, in fact. I love finding those long forgotten gems and relish spending time in their warming glow, and I often like 80's cheese, too. That just makes Beauty and the Beast all the more harrowing to endure. There are about a thousand obscure albums more worthy of your attention, and though I can't speak on the behalf of Stormwitch's other material, I can say without a shred of doubt that this isn't one of them. Oh, well; every metal 49er is bound to strike a big lump of coal every now and then.
Overall: 2.5/10 (Abysmal)
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