You know, people really do amaze me. They amaze me in a variety of ways, in fact, especially in their acceptance of the absolute bare minimum. I've got a little story to tell; gather 'round the campfire children.
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At the musical methadone clinic, sometime in January, 2012:
Mindless Consumer: "Total crap? Same thing as the product I bought last year? Zero effort or originality involved?! Hell yeah, sign me up!"
Head Record Company Executive: "All right, sir dumbass, just initial here and we'll give you your repackaged poison. No catch! Oh, but you will be giving up your hard-earned money, feeding a brain-sucking, industry-killing leech, and authorizing full utilization of your soul in the unseemly ways we see fit. Do we have a deal?"
Mindless Consumer: "Why wouldn't we? I might be legally deaf, but I would never be one to use discretion and actually give a shit about what I listen to. The stricter the structure of the song, the better. The poppier the chorus, the better. The more phoned in the song... well, you get the point. Just give me my fix, ma'an."
Head Record Company Executive: "Here you go, fresh from the lab: twelve carefully crafted pills of hollow, green-tinted, nonmetal glucose. Granted, they're all the same flavor, and once you've experienced one of them, you've had them all, but we'll generously give you twelve just to make you feel special. Once you're hooked and you're on your sugar rush, be sure to purchase your Lacunacoilium (TM) t-shirts, posters, dolls--ahem, action figures--and laptop/phone skins at the Century Media website. Act now and you'll get exactly what you would if wait for a couple weeks!"
Mindless Consumer: "But Satan, I'm a hardcore deviant sadist; what if twelve aren't enough to fulfill my degenerate fantasies?"
Head Record Company Executive: "Not to worry, dear playtoy! Buy the album at iTunes ('cause, I mean, why support one soulless corporation when you can support two?) and you'll get six bonus tracks and even a video. Losing all character and self-esteem has never come at such a low price! Or, if you're really hankerin' for a spankerin', try the box set edition on for size. It'll serve as a convenient carrying case for your over-produced, overly congruous capsules. Each one comes with a coupon for a free lobotomy, though I can see that you're already, um, well accounted for. Give it to a friend and make sure he uses it before sampling the product. Remember: everybody's doing it, so it must be okay."
Mindless Consumer: "That satisfies me... but wait, why does it explicitly say 'metal' here in the table of contents? 'Dark'? Ick. Scary words dissuade my mindless consumption."
Head Record Company Executive: "We at CM absolutely assure you that the metal factor at work here is only a facade, as is the entire dark image of the Lacunacoilium (TM) property. We have a teen audience, too; we think it's only fair that we give them their drug in a form that's easier for them to swallow. You know, one where they think they're a part of something real, something that'll make them feel cool. There's no need to feel liable to any surprises whatsoever. What you got last time is what you'll get this time, guaranteed: powerless female vocal syrup (because we're using her as a hip gimmick), an illusion of chemical heaviness in the nonexistent riffing section, tracks of nearly identical length, and a spiffy production so crystal clear, you'll swear it'll pop into the room with you. Uniformity has never been this accessibly pervasive!"
Mindless Consumer: "Okay, okay, I think everything's in order. Give me every bottle you got."
...And they all lived happily ever after until the new Kornium (TM) came out.
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If my not-so-subtle rant just alluded you, then you're about to have a new favorite album. I never thought I'd sink low enough to write one of these juvenile 'false conversation' pieces, but Dark Adrenaline took my tolerance to a new level. I'm sorry, but when people (bless their imbecilic hearts) call uninspired dreck like this "incredible," "amazing," and most offensive of all, "heavy," it tends to get to me. It's shit soda pop. People will no doubt take issue with this write-up, and I even doubt it'll be accepted. Where's the musical description, some will say; what an arrogant, pompous ass, others will exclaim. To these comments I'll have only one response:
I'll write a real review once Lacuna Coil actually puts out a new album.
C'est la vie.
Overall: 1/10 (Coaster)
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